Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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You canāt scare me. Youāre not my child telling me that sheās tidied my bedroom and that thereās a surprise..
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
āLaura, can you come and let me out?ā
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi š
her: are those empty
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
āStop slapping your brotherās forehead with that bacon.ā
āāāWhat are things I never thought Iād need to say todayā for $100, Alex
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
š²+physics = winner
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me, flirtingš
Everytime someone says that token sentence ālet me know if I can do anything for youā praying you donāt ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Meme Monday.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: whatās your location?
Man: Iām on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: Iām gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we donāt have any junk food in the house.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well heās not going to kick EIGHT of us
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.