I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything