what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
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Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.