Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.