I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My last name is Zilla.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.