[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?