“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*