I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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selfie game
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Everyone pointing out that it鈥檚 suspicious how many AI tools are free, it鈥檚 because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent鈥檚 funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Oh no 馃槀馃槀馃挃馃槶
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
i鈥檓 the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I鈥檝e received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
i鈥檒l never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.