Damn he played himself
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.