[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My safe word is Worcestershire
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?