Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.