A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Every time my phone rings
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.