My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian