I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Plant care tips
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
me logging onto twitter
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.