You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
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FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.