landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
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getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
got so much cardio in today
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice