Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.