This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
pelicons
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet