I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.