I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.