I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
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I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car