Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Breaking news:
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Ironic
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
who named him groot and not spruce lee
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars