every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
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I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Netflix: We have Less
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap