I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.