Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.