store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I think this should do it.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
New mindset, who dis?
worst…sale…ever
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.