Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Good boy 😂😂
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.