Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
🖤✌🏽
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?