It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude