Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
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This kinda thing happens to me often
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto