My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
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Love is in the air fryer.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time