“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.