ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Seems a bit forward
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.