“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
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You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?