*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.