My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
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“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.