The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.