If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
You Might Also Like
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.