Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Omg 🤣
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”