baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .