My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?