*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
When you’re Kinky but poor
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit