Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
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Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.