I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“No way.” -Jose
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]