[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
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8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.