[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
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Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT