When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Guy who likes music
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals