My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
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accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
then why did i get this email
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I hate when that happens.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go