flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
You Might Also Like
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Sending in my taxes
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.