Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
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Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
5 ways to appear taller
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Ha.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Body by Oreos
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.